Dirty Mouth?

eah, I finally did the pattern for the penis chapstick cozy. I received a surprising amount of requests for it. I'm going to copy and paste it into here. Also...I did manage to make a PDF somehow. I think. But really, I'm not sure how that works exactly. So...it's not online. If you want it, just email me.

Phallic Chapstick Cozy
by Shadkitty



Need a little protection? Grab your penis and put it on your mouth, er, your chapstick that is. This cozy has no functional use whatsoever, but it's HILARIOUS and you'll enjoy it. And, unlike real life, one size fits all!!

MATERIALS
Caron Simply Soft [100% acrylic; 315yd/288m per 170g skein]; color: Pink; all you really need are some scraps

1 set(s) US #4/3.5mm double-point needles

Tapestry needle
Fluff
Key ring (optional)

GAUGE
Useless. Just make it work for you.

PATTERN NOTES
You can attach a keyring if you want to hang this from your keys. Or whatever. Just crochet a chain long enough to meet your standards and attach it to the cozy and the keyring. Use your own smarts for that.

PATTERN

SHAFT
CO 12, leaving a longish tail. Join in round, making sure stitches aren't twisted, yada yada.
Do some k2, p2 ribbing for awhile. Periodically slip the work over chapstick tube. When work reaches from the bottom of the cap to the bottom of the tube:
K 2 rounds plain
Next rnd: *k1, k2tog*

Cut yarn and thread through stitches. Pull shut tight – weave end in on side facing you!! Then turn inside out.

HEAD
CO 18. Join in round, blah blah blah. You know the drill.
Round 1: k9 sts together with tail from CO, k9 remaining sts together with tail from body CO. Make sure you leave a little bit of yarn between the body and head. This is the little piece of yarn that connects the two. If you make them too close together you won't be able to get the head off and on easily!
Round 2: knit around
Round 3: k9, inc, k9, inc
Round 4 & 5: knit around
Round 6: *k3, k2tog* to end
Round 7: knit

Rep rounds 6 & 7 until 8sts remain.
Next Round: k2tog around

Cut yarn and pull through remaining sts.

BALLS
(make 2)
CO 8.
Round 1: *k1, kfb* around
Round 2: knit

Rep these 2 rounds once more (16sts). Work St st for 3 rounds.
Next Round: *k1, k2tog* around
Next Round: knit
Next Round: *k1, k2tog* around
Stuff with fluff!

Cut yarn and pull through remaining sts. Attach to body using your good judgement and general knowledge of a man's tool. You are now a penii warrior! Battle the forces of chapped lips!


FINISHING
Ha. I kinda gave most of the finishing details in the pattern instructions. You don't need to really weave in the ends that you knitted together. Just trim them. Weave in any remaining ends. Then pop in your tube of chapstick.

ABOUT THE DESIGNER
Ms. Kitty is completely bonkers. She lives in a constant state of chaos with her man servant and 3 little critters...amongst piles of yarn and laundry. A menial gas station employee by day, and a fiendish knitting powerhouse by night, there is no knitting challenge too great!

I'm getting carried away, go show off your knitted penis.